I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I AM VODKA MAN
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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