Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
