It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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