I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
