i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
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