I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
