her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
