We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
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Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
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Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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