just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
