I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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