My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room