I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize