I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
