the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
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The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
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So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder