it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
