literally had 100 drinks last night.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
