hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
