Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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