So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
