does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
