Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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