just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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