I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
