had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
