Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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