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this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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