Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
