Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
