captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
he just fucked me for my cheese..
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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