OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
