All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
