the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
