How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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