Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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