I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize