I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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