I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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