I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
