when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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