Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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