just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
