Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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