Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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