He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
