You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
