somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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