i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
