i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
His nipple licking is glorious
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