Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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