literally had 100 drinks last night.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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