I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
