At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
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Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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