I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
