I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
