Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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