I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
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Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
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At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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