Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
