Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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