I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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