No stitches, just platelets and will power
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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