paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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