apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
